Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
