and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
