how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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