I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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