Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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