Sry I called you an 8
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
