I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
