thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I am full of burrito and curiosity
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
