I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I AM VODKA MAN
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
How does one acquire holy water?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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