we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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