We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
