he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Randomize
