I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
