I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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