Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
