if only i could text you this smell
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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