Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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