Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
