After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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