I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm having to shit out rocks
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
