He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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