what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
