just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize