as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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