The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
dude i'm inner monologue high
i think i scared a bird with my dick
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
