"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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