i just wanna soil my oats bro
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
