Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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