Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
