Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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