I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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