i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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