I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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