You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
