i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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