what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
