It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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