Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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