You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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