I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
you made out with another girl for some wings
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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