After last night, I could never be a politician.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
