Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
