Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize