i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
