My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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