He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
