You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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