I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
