I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
