I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
