i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
