Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
