im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
