Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
