So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
