i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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