This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
