I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
