im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
