my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
