Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
