Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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