Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize