you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
