Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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