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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
