bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
