haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
