i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
