do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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